[ Read part 1 here ]
"Ok, the clerk said. Here's what you do: you can go home and get those documents, but you'll have to be back here before 2PM."
It was 12:58. Not going to happen.
"Or?" I said.
"Do you have a bank account? Well, then, find the nearest branch and ask them to print out your last statement. With your address. We'll accept that. NEXT!"
I slinked to the elevators, where the Slavic woman was crying into her cell phone. I just stood there, ashamed that I had ever thought she should look to me as an example of anything but hubris.
But enough of that. I had to find a bank. Cell phones don't work in the courthouse elevators, so when we got to the lobby I dialed Chase's automated help line.
"HEY!" someone yelled. I was sure it was Officer Dummkopf. Years ago I trained myself not to respond when someone says HEY in that arrogant fashion. I put the phone to my ear and walked toward the door.
"HEY! No cell phones inna lobby!" Dummkopf screamed. "Take it outside." Since I was already walking outside, Dummkopf had placed himself in a win-win situation: no matter what I did, I was obeying him. I reminded myself yet again that if I am ever convicted of a crime I would have to kill myself before sentencing, since with this kind of attitude I would last maybe 15 seconds in prison.
"Chase Customer Service, may I help you?" The rain had stopped and the air outside consisted of 80% nitrogen, 19% steam, and 1% oxygen. MTA workers were building an anastamosis linking the nearby subway stations, so the streets around the courthouse were torn up, and multiple jackhammers pounded out of phase. "BROOKLYN!" I shouted into the phone. "JAY STREET AND LIVINGSTON! NEAREST BRANCH!" I could just barely hear the operator reply "Eighth street?" "NO!!!! JAY STREET! J-A-Y STREET! AND LIVINGSTON! BRANCH!" I started walking down Jay Street to get away from the construction.
An ambulance tried to zoom around the corner, but their on-board navigation system didn't tell them that the street had been torn up. The driver screeched to a stop and leaned on his siren, making deep "WOCKA-WOCKA-WOCKA" sounds that in no way harmonized with the jackhammers. "Avenue J in Brooklyn" the Chase Customer Service operator said faintly.
"NOOOOOOO! J-A-Y STREET AND... where am I now? WILLOUGHBY STREET. Oh crap! W-I-L-L-O-U-G-H-forget it, thanks! Never mind! Bye." I didn't need her anymore. I was approaching Metrotech Center. Metrotech Center is the Brooklyn home of JP Morgan Chase. There's a huge Chase logo atop 4 Metrotech Center -- you could see it for miles. Surely they had to have a Chase branch. Surely.
30 minutes later, "Surely" had turned into "WHERE THE FUCK IS THE CHASE BRANCH ALREADY?????" There are 28 buildings in Metrotech Center, and I had been to each one, begging for a teller. Each time, the security guard sent me to a different building, further from the courthouse. I began to believe that there was no Chase branch, that JP Morgan Chase wasn't headquartered there, and that MetroTech center was merely a metaphor for the first layer of hell.
[more to come]
"Ok, the clerk said. Here's what you do: you can go home and get those documents, but you'll have to be back here before 2PM."
It was 12:58. Not going to happen.
"Or?" I said.
"Do you have a bank account? Well, then, find the nearest branch and ask them to print out your last statement. With your address. We'll accept that. NEXT!"
I slinked to the elevators, where the Slavic woman was crying into her cell phone. I just stood there, ashamed that I had ever thought she should look to me as an example of anything but hubris.
But enough of that. I had to find a bank. Cell phones don't work in the courthouse elevators, so when we got to the lobby I dialed Chase's automated help line.
"HEY!" someone yelled. I was sure it was Officer Dummkopf. Years ago I trained myself not to respond when someone says HEY in that arrogant fashion. I put the phone to my ear and walked toward the door.
"HEY! No cell phones inna lobby!" Dummkopf screamed. "Take it outside." Since I was already walking outside, Dummkopf had placed himself in a win-win situation: no matter what I did, I was obeying him. I reminded myself yet again that if I am ever convicted of a crime I would have to kill myself before sentencing, since with this kind of attitude I would last maybe 15 seconds in prison.
"Chase Customer Service, may I help you?" The rain had stopped and the air outside consisted of 80% nitrogen, 19% steam, and 1% oxygen. MTA workers were building an anastamosis linking the nearby subway stations, so the streets around the courthouse were torn up, and multiple jackhammers pounded out of phase. "BROOKLYN!" I shouted into the phone. "JAY STREET AND LIVINGSTON! NEAREST BRANCH!" I could just barely hear the operator reply "Eighth street?" "NO!!!! JAY STREET! J-A-Y STREET! AND LIVINGSTON! BRANCH!" I started walking down Jay Street to get away from the construction.
An ambulance tried to zoom around the corner, but their on-board navigation system didn't tell them that the street had been torn up. The driver screeched to a stop and leaned on his siren, making deep "WOCKA-WOCKA-WOCKA" sounds that in no way harmonized with the jackhammers. "Avenue J in Brooklyn" the Chase Customer Service operator said faintly.
"NOOOOOOO! J-A-Y STREET AND... where am I now? WILLOUGHBY STREET. Oh crap! W-I-L-L-O-U-G-H-forget it, thanks! Never mind! Bye." I didn't need her anymore. I was approaching Metrotech Center. Metrotech Center is the Brooklyn home of JP Morgan Chase. There's a huge Chase logo atop 4 Metrotech Center -- you could see it for miles. Surely they had to have a Chase branch. Surely.
30 minutes later, "Surely" had turned into "WHERE THE FUCK IS THE CHASE BRANCH ALREADY?????" There are 28 buildings in Metrotech Center, and I had been to each one, begging for a teller. Each time, the security guard sent me to a different building, further from the courthouse. I began to believe that there was no Chase branch, that JP Morgan Chase wasn't headquartered there, and that MetroTech center was merely a metaphor for the first layer of hell.
[more to come]
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